white winter hymnal
by beastofeden
Summary: Almost five years after he left her Rachel and Puck meet again during winter in New York. Can they make their way back to each other?
1. Chapter 1

disclaimer: don't own it

so this will (hopefully) be a multi-chaptered story, this first chapter will take place right after the glee kids graduate form high school and then the rest of the story will take place in the future. I have a lot of ideas but nothing else written so far so do not expect fast updates…although of course reviews always make updates come faster

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She cried for a month after he left.

She spent almost every day of that first month of summer inside.

Someone from glee was there every day. Kurt brought her fashion magazines and listened to showtunes with her. Mercedes gossiped for hours so Rachel wouldn't have to talk. Tina and Artie would come by together and all three would watch TV in a comfortable silence. Quinn painted her toenails and brought any new pictures sent by her daughter's adoptive parents. Finn would rent movies, and while he always tried to find something she would they like they tended to be more entertaining to someone with a penis. Even Britney and Santana stopped by once, bring a tray from Starbucks with them (oddly, they still wore their Cheerio's uniforms in the summer…after they had graduated).

In the brief moments when she was able to think about something unrelated to the crippling devastation currently infecting her like swine flu, she marveled that there were people who cared about her so much that they were willing to give up days of freedom in their last summer before they started to become adults to be there for her. Three years ago all these people were severely irritated by her at best and, when it came to the cheerios, spreading rumors that she was born a hermaphrodite. Now all these people were her family and they were there to support her when she needed them.

And then she would think of the person who was missing and something deep inside her chest twisted painfully and the world got dark again. He was gone. He'd left her.

_She started to notice it around the beginning of May. The end of high school was creeping closer and closer, things were changing so quickly. Everyone had gotten their acceptance letters and decided where they were going (Britney had somehow scored in the 96__th__ percentile on the SAT and was asking everyone if Nothwestern was the name of the school or just the direction it was in). The future was changing from some hazy, far off someday into an actual _thing_, a reality they had to deal with._

_Her path had been set since she was seven years old, mapping out a fifteen-year plan on a whiteboard while her dads looked on in amusement and fear. There was a fund set up with enough money to last her three years in New York to try to become something. Her dads had only agreed to this after they made her promise that if something didn't happen in those first three years she would get a degree (there was a separate, backup-college fund her dads called their future European vacations in private). But everything was different now. Noah was going to state and the thought of not being there with him, of moving a thousand miles away and only seeing him a few times a year, was excruciating. _

_So she pulled him into the glee room one day and told him that her fathers had just mailed a check. They were going to college together. She expected him to be excited, as happy as she was. But he just quietly asked her if she was sure and she spent a good ten minutes explaining that she was sure, and happy and could put New York off for a few years so they could go to school together. She smiled and kissed him, trying to ignore the fact that he didn't hold her as tightly as he usually did._

One day she sits on her porch with Quinn drinking the slushies the other girl had brought over. They're making mindless chit chat (with Quinn doing most of the talking) and Rachel is just staring out at the sky with wide empty eyes. Quinn stops talking and looks at the girl that aginst all odds has become one of her best friends. Knowing this may be a bad idea but not able to hold it in anymore, she quietly asks, "Did he say anything, Rachel? Did he tell you he was going or leave a note?" Because even though they come and sit with her every day and its been weeks she hasn't said a word about it to any of them, there is an unspoken agreement not to ask, just to be there. But Quinn needs to know, needs to help this girl who has gone so above and beyond for her so many times without being asked.

Rachel stiffens at the question but her eyes don't change. They are still big and empty and dead and that scares Quinn more than the silence because even when she isn't talking Rachel Berry is always so _alive_ and now she's not.

A single tear wells up in Rachel's eye and when it makes its way down to her chin she answers, "There was a note. His mom gave it to me the day after he left."

_They make love on prom night which would be totally cliché except that its not their first time, or their second or third. But there is something about this time that is different. Because Noah's kisses feel desperate, like he's trying to permanently mark her lips. When he looks at her in the dim light he seems to be taking in every detail and trying to memorize her. After they're done he clutches her to him so tightly its almost uncomfortable but she doesn't complain because his arms are her favorite place to be in the world. When he whispers in her ear, 'I never want to let you go," it sounds more like an apology then a promise and she thinks later that she should've known then, should have suspected. But she just burrows her head into his chest and falls asleep as he strokes her hair._

Rachel reaches into the pocket of the shorts she's wearing and pulls out a piece of paper so worn and creased it looks years old and silently hands it to Quinn. The blonde girl is hesitant to take it but realizes that this is a gesture of ultimate trust and smoothes out the paper, expecting to find some long, epic letter but instead it simply says

_Rach,_

_I've got to go. I'm sorry._

_-Noah_

She stares at the 25 letters, trying to draw something from them that's not there. She sighs to herself and moves to hand the note back to Rachel, but the other girl shakes her head. "Get rid of it," she says, her voice suddenly hard and cold, "flush it, burn it, swallow, I don't care what you do, just fucking get rid of it."

Quinn is so shocked (and not just because the girl who wears knee socks and chastises people for saying "damn" is using the eff word) that she can only nod and tuck the note into her own pocket. She reaches for her slushie but at the last second grasps rachel's hand and squeezes it. The other girl squeezes back and Quinn sees that her eyes aren't dead anymore. Now they're full of angry fire and Quinn hopes this change is for the better.

_When Mrs. Puckerman opens the door the morning after graduation Rachel smiles at this woman who has become the mother she never had, but her smile falters when she sees how red the other woman's eyes are. Her heart starts to beat faster, knowing something is wrong. When his mother starts to explain that Noah is gone she asks dumbly when he'll be back. Mrs. Puckerman starts to cry and hands Rachel an envelope with her name on it and the world falls out from under her feet._

She cried for a month after he left. And then after that month she never cried again.


	2. Chapter 2

disclaimer: don't own it

a/n: two chapters in as many days, no one is more surprised then me. DO NOT get used to it, this will probably not be happening again.

this chapter takes place almost five years after the last one and won't really answer any of the questions I'm sure you have, but it will give you a little glimpse into what rachel's life is like now.

thank you to everyone who has reviewed/favorited/alerted, you guys are awesome, keep it up!

for anyone who was wondering, the title comes from the song by fleet foxes, its amazing and one of my favorites and definitely captures the mood of this story

enjoy!

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The second she stepped outside she regretted the leather jacket was wearing. She was doomed to always be cold as she hated wearing ugly, bulky winter coats. She hurried down the steps of her brownstone, frantically throwing an arm out to catch the attention of a taxi. One noticed her and was thankfully unoccupied and skidded to a halt. She dashed inside and gave the driver her destination before closing her eyes and melting into the seat. Despite being a girl who would wake up at the crack of dawn in high school she now despised early mornings but she had to be at the studio by seven to get into hair and makeup.

As the cab jerkily maneuvered through the labyrinth that was the west village, Rachel pulled out her business phone and scrolled through her messages. There were a few emails from her agent and manager about interviews and auditions and she skimmed these, deciding to deal with them later, preferably after she'd had some coffee. She reached into her bag again, this time pulling out her personal phone. There were fewer things to deal with here, a few late night texts she'd slept through. She responded to Kurt's invitation to come out for drinks that night, telling him she would if the day wrapped up on the early side and that she'd let him know once she got to the studio. Quinn had left her a voicemail and she lifted the phone to her ear to listen.

"Hey its me, I thought I might catch you but you're probably already in bed, I know you're shooting early a lot this week. I…have something I need to talk to you about. Kurt said he invited you out for drinks tonight, I'm going so if you can make it we'll talk then."

Rachel deleted the voicemail, wondering about the ominous "something" Quinn needed to talk to her about. Hopefully it was nothing more painful than a request for an interview with Quinn's magazine. She shrugged to herself and relaxed back against the seat.

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An hour and a half later she was in the make up room at Silvercup Studios getting ready to start a day if shooting. She was thankful to be shooting here today rather than on location because it meant a day without the paparazzi. As her hair was being worked on Rachel looked over her lines for the scene they'd be shooting (not that she needed to, she was Rachel Berry after all and had memorized them within 24 hours of receiving the script) and sipped the glorious coffee her assistant had had waiting for her. She gossiped with the make up and hair people and laughed with her costars. She texted Kurt to let him know that her day would end on the early side so she would meet him and Quinn for drinks that evening and wondered again what the aforementioned blonde needed to talk to her about. Then the director popped his head into the room and asked to speak to her about the scene they were getting ready to shoot and she was all business again.

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She'd been home by six so she'd taken her time getting ready. Her schedule was so crazy that she rarely went out to something that wasn't work related (work related meant premieres and parties, but still) and she got to see her oldest friends even less. They liked to go all out on the rare occasions they were able to get together and Rachel knew she was in for a good night, and possibly a long one as well. She remembered the last time they'd hung out, Finn had been visiting and they'd stayed out all night, watching the sun rise on the pier overlooking the East River. Tonight wouldn't be an all-nighter, she had a dress fitting and a meeting with a record producer about her album in the morning, but there would definitely be bad decisions made and fun had by all.

She's right. They drink just a bit too much and laugh a little too loudly but they're at some dark, dank dive bar and no one really minds (except for the table of college girls who are trying to be subtle about snapping away at Rachel with their cell phone cameras and failing miserably). Kurt leaves at one point to make a phone call and Quinn's eyes turn serious and she starts twisting her hands together which Rachel knows, after years of friendship, means she is extremely nervous. "Ok, so like I said in my message, I need to tell you something. And you're not going to like it."

Rachel giggles (not drunkenly, just…tipsily…is that a word…does this place serve food, she could use some fries) and makes a jokingly serious face, "Alright, Q, what exactly am I not going to like?"

"It's about...Puck."

Her chest is still there, right? It hasn't suddenly caved in on itself, leaving a gaping, bloody hole in its wake? Because that's what it feels like when her friend says his name, the name she hasn't heard spoken aloud in years. She takes a shuddering breath, amazed that her lungs are still functioning when she has a huge chasm right where they should be, and she doesn't feel even a bit tipsy anymore. She shoves away the shock and anger and those other feelings she won't give name to and looks Quinn dead in the eyes, seeing them widen at the flinty mask her features have settled into.

"What about him?"

Maybe he's getting married. Maybe he's dead. Maybe he has cancer or is getting a sex change, maybe he watches her show every weeks and cries because he misses her so much. Maybe he was really abducted by aliens and they are the ones who have been sending her unsigned cards she received every year on her birthday and their anniversary. Maybe-

"He's here. In New York. He lives here now…and he wants to see you."

Well fuck. She was not expecting that.


	3. Chapter 3

**disclaimer: not mine**

**wow, the apocolypse must be coming, third update in three days. i urge you again not to get used to it, this is a freak occurrence but we'll see how long it lasts. thank you again to everyone reviewing/alerting/favoriting, love you bitches.**

**I know a lot fo you want answers and this chapter will have some of them but this is still more showing you what rachel's life is like now with a little bit of info about what she's been up to. i promise that next chapter will have angsty, flashback-y goodness.**

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The one question that kept reverberating in Rachel's head the next day was _Why did I drink so much last night?_

And then the answer would flash into her mind and the desire for more alcohol-induced oblivion would grip her.

_No, _she told herself sternly, _I am at too precarious a point in my career to acquire a substance abuse problem. I will not go the way of Britney Spears or…god forbid, Tara Reid_. _I can deal with this._

But she wasn't. Dealing with it, that was. She was doing what she'd grown rather well at in the past five years: avoiding her problems, even in her own mind. While she'd always been one to approach her problems head on as a teenager, denial and avoidance had become her best friends in the time since…the thing she didn't think about. She'd been all smiles during both her fitting and meeting this morning (although, to be fair, she was still a bit drunk from the previous night during both) and had performed to her normal standard when looping lines for her show at the recording studio. Now she was at a Snack, her favorite Greek place in SoHo doing an interview for Nylon Magazine. It was her first cover and she was determined to present herself as the stunning, articulate ingénue she had always strived to be.

Her interviewer was a hip, fashionable young girl that would clearly rather be living Rachel's life than interviewing her about it, but she was sticking to mostly work related, non-personal questions which Rachel was eternally grateful for. The waitress brought them their entrees, the lamb sandwich for her interviewer and the butter bean salad for herself. As they dug in the interviewer looked down at her notebook for the next question.

"So, Rachel, you originated the role of Wendela in _Spring Awakening _before moving onto television. What was the transition from stage to screen like?"

This was a question Rachel was asked fairly often and she had a publicist-approved answer ready to go. "I think the largest adjustment was that on stage, you have to broaden your performance to fill a theatre whereas the realism of television is more conducive to more realistic, nuanced performances. When the producers of _Rivington St_ asked me to meet with them after seeing the show and told me they were considering me for the role, they stressed that it'd be a very different experience than I was used to, and they were right." Serious actor portion down, fun, relatable girl answer next. "Also, when I was in _Spring_ I was able to sleep as late as I wanted because our performances were in the evening. I do not enjoy waking up early for morning shoots, although they are a necessary evil. I hadn't woken up that early since high school." She added a girlish giggle for good measure.

The reporter smiled back. "Speaking of high school, a lot of our readers are teen girls. Can you a share a bit of your high school experience?"

Entering dangerous territory. "Well I was certainly not the most popular, well-liked girl in school. I was always unusually determined for my age and my peers…well, they didn't respond well to my single-mindedness." A nice way of spinning the slushie facials and pornographic artwork. She hoped they'd be moving on but as last night had proved, this was not her week.

"What about romance. I've heard rumors that you had some kind of torrid romance in high school that ended badly."

Damnit. She had worried this would happen. Her old tormentors from Lima were more than happy to dish details about her former life now that she was a celebrity. She had been fortunate enough not to encounter this particular question yet (the worst that had happened had been when Perez Hilton had informed the world she'd once been known as "Man Hands") but her luck had clearly run out.

She thought of the most diplomatic, impersonal answer she could give to such a personal question. "Yes, I had a boyfriend and while we were in a unusually serious relationship for being so young, it ended as most childhood romances do." She wanted to pointedly ask if they could move on but then she'd be called a bitch or an ice queen in the article and her publicist would kill her.

The reporter was getting a malicious gleam in her eyes that unsettled Rachel. "So how'd it end?" The look on her face led Rachel to believe this girl knew at least something about how it had ended, so she couldn't lie.

She sighed audibly. "He left town, right after we graduated from high school. I haven't seen or spoken to him since."

The other girl looked a little guilty now, realizing she'd touched on something hurtful. "Did you ever find out why?"

"No." _And if you do not change the subject this butter bean salad is going in. Your. Face._

Thankfully the rest of the questions were about her fashion sense, ("I've always leaned towards a more classic look but since I started the show my style has certainly been affected, I take more risks and I can get very into the downtown trends.") the rumors about her alleged hook-ups with other celebs ("I can tell you definitively that I have never made out with Robert Pattinson. He's exceptionally devoted to Kristen. Besides, she and I are rather close and I would never do that to a friend.") and her upcoming album, ("While many of my Broadway fans will be expecting me to cover showtunes and fans of the show will be sure to expect rock, I decided to go with an acoustic, unplugged feeling, a combination of jazz and folk that compliments my voice marvelously.")

They payed the check (it was on Nylon, Rachel still marveled that it was those whose jobs compensated them handsomely who received everything for free) and strolled up Thompson street for a few minutes before parting ways. Rachel decided to walk home because, despite the cold, the sun was out and it was a rather nice afternoon. However, with nothing to distract her, her thoughts turned back to the previous night and Quinn's announcement. _He_ was here, living in _her _city. He had to know she lived here, she was on TV every week prancing around this very city. What did it mean? Was he here for her? Did he want her back?

She shoved those thoughts aside forcefully. _Just because he's here doesn't mean he wants to see you. He _left_ you, remember? And its not like you'd want to see him anyway. You don't care about him anymore. You don't love him anymore._

No matter how many times she told herself that it never sounded the least bit true.

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**so, what do you think? let me know please.**

**btw, for anyone who lives in nyc or is visitng anytime soon, snack is a real restaurant. it is some of the best, freshest greek food i've ever had and i am not only plugging them because three of my besties work there. the lamb sandwich and butterbean salad are two of my favorite things there (although I'm a vegetarian now so not so much with the sandwich). it's on thompson between prince and spring, check it out.**


	4. Chapter 4

**disclaimer: not mine**

**omfg, I can't believe it, two chapters in ONE NIGHT. i just had the urge to get this out after posting the last chapter. this isn't really a flashback, more like a brief glimpse at what Rachel and puck's relationship was like. enjoy!**

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The day that Rachel tries to break up with Noah turns out to be the day their relationship changes from something they fell into, becoming something they want. That day on the bleachers they realize the people they are both so desperately pining for are not available to them and might never be and they look at each other, really look at each other for the first time. Rachel sees a man, a good man, trying so hard to be a boy. She sees deeply buried pain and a desperate desire to be wanted. And she thinks about how he sang "Sweet Caroline" for her and decides that she can deal with a dirty mouth and a Mohawk and another boy who wants for Quinn Fabray if that same boy can sing to her like that. So she links her hand in his and they sit together, knowing that nothing will be the same after this and maybe that's not such a bad thing.

And despite the shocked expressions of everyone in glee, and the flack he gets from the football players and the stares they receive in the hallway, they work. They work in a very strange way. Noah doesn't talk much so it's easy for Rachel to fill his silences, and she overreacts easily and his no-bullshit approach to life mellows her out some. Her dads get over the bad boy image rather quickly and his mom's gaze goes immediately to her Star of David necklace the first time they meet and by the end of the night she is showing Rachel her old wedding dress and asking her what size she is.

When the news comes out that Finn's baby is really Puck's, Rachel slaps him and runs out of school crying. She doesn't talk to him for three weeks. But he slips notes into her locker and stands outside her window playing his guitar (which really doesn't help with the lawsuit) and then one day in glee he shocks her with a rendition of "Maria" form _West Side Story_ but he sings he Maria's name with hers and even though there aren't enough syllables its so beautiful she cries. She doesn't forgive him on the spot, it takes a while before she really trusts him again, but she knows that he was scared and confused and hurt and they get there eventually.

She holds him while he cries the night his daughter's adoptive parents take her and get on a plane to the other side of the country. She strokes his hair and whisper sin his ear what a good life his daughter will have, how much she'll be loved and how he is doing the best thing he can for her. She cries with him, mourns that she will never know his daughter, never get to see him be the amazing father she knows he would have been.

They make love for the first time in their junior year, a couple weeks shy of their one year anniversary. It's a random Saturday night when her parents are out of town and she doesn't plan for it to happen. But he's napping and whispers that he love her in his sleep and she just can't herself because he has become her entire world in the span of a year and she wants to be with hi in every way she can. It is awkward and uncomfortable at the beginning but he knows what he's doing and soon she is panting his name and god, that things he does with his fingers is amazing and afterwards shyly asks if they can do it again and he laughs loudly and kisses her and they stay in her bed for the rest of the weekend. Her dads are not pleased when they arrive home early to surprise her.

Everything is perfect and she loves him so much she can't understand it, it makes no sense why all her happiness should be tied up in this one person, this stubborn, infuriating manboy who used to throw slushies in her face. But love isn't supposed to make sense. So she decides that he is worth delaying her dream a few years. And when she has her moment of doubt as she puts the envelope with the check in the mailbox she thinks, again, of "Sweet Caroline" and their clasped hands that day on the bleachers and knows, knows deep in her gut that this is right. And so she tells him they are going to college together and she is so happy and he…isn't. And she doesn't know why but she pushes it out of her mind and less than two months later he's gone.


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